August 11th 2008 5.15AM in Tokyo. I’m back in one of my favourite cities in the world but I’ve been wide awake for about an hour, even though I only got into bed shortly before midnight. Can’t work out why the sleep thing isn’t happening this time around and its getting pretty exhausting for a 12 hours-a-night man like myself, I’m now well down on my quota for this week. Being a professional, I’m not going to let it affect my performance and all that, although I may allow myself a quiet mope in a dark corner by myself when no-one is looking. Festival season has reached Japan and this year I’ve swapped my usual weekend at Fuji Rock for the Summer Sonic double header in Tokyo and Osaka. The Japanese summer is short but intense and is in full effect at the moment, the extremely high humidity is causing the kind of sweat marks that haven’t been seen since the last episode of It Ain’t Half Hot Mum and a short walk up the street for a snack means that you come back soaking. The peculiarities of my physique means that I constantly have two matching pools of moisture at the top of my stomach, kind of like a silhouette of the kidneys. Not a very dignified look and changing t-shirts twice a day means that I’m eating into my supply at double the estimated rate. I’ve managed to top up with a few freebies from the festival but I think I’ll have to get a couple of cheapo tourist shirts to see me through, otherwise I will be doing the upcoming Hungarian and Dutch gigs topless. And we don’t want that believe me. We are currently billeted in the Ark Hills area of Tokyo which is a part of town that I’m not too familiar with and it seems to be a bit more sedate than the areas that I’ve stayed in before- the Blade Runner districts like Shibuya and Shinjuku (the latter of which was pretty comprehensively destroyed in Godzilla Vs King Ghidorah). However, from my hotel room I can see that we are pretty close to the Tokyo Tower (very effectively smashed up in Gamera- Guardian of the Universe) which also means that Roppongi is not far away too. Now, I’m a big fan of Japan. I like a disciplined, well structured society and I love daft toys, neon lighting, futuristic railways, fancy calligraphy and the chaos and energy of modern Japanese cities. The folklore and traditions of old Japan are pretty interesting too. Hence, the area of Roppongi is not really for me. The fact that the streets are provided with special locked bins labelled ‘For the disposal of indecent flyers’ may be a clue to what this district is about. It is the home of the Hard Rock Café, Tony Romas Rib Joint, a few dozen hostess bars and about half a dozen ‘English’ pub type places and so tends to attract hoards of pissed up foreigners all carrying on like they are in Gateshead town centre on a Friday night. Its not the really the kind of atmosphere that I came halfway around the world to enjoy and I will be giving it a wide berth as usual and will be spending my time in pursuit of something more Japanese- like giant monsters (or Kaiju in local parlance). While perusing the internet a few weeks ago, I discovered to my excitement that there is a new statue of Godzilla that has been erected at Toho Studios in Tokyo. I was already aware of the modest tribute to the big lad that is located close to the Hibiya Park metro station, as I had made a pilgrimage to visit it a few years back and although it is a fine piece it does only stand a couple of feet tall. From studying photos of the new statue it would seem to be around 8-10 feet tall and even though this is still a few hundred feet short of life size it is a pretty impressive sight and an absolute must see for a fan such as myself. Finding an address was difficult, there was no information available online, but I knew the way to the Toho Twin Towers building and the Toho Entertainment Centre from Hibiya station so once in the area, it would be a piece of cake to find a friendly local and perform the International Sign Language extended mime action for ‘large statue of giant monster’ for him/her and get pointed in the right direction. Easy. Unfortunately after a lot of wandering around and a few very spirited imitations of Godzilla we found out from a very handy English speaking tourist office that the new statue is actually located at the Toho Studio lot, where the soundstages are, way out in the middle of the suburbs. This would need at least a half day adventure to get out there and back safely and we didn’t have that much time to spare. Bloody work, getting in the way of the sightseeing again. An outing that proved to be more successful was the Devo gig a couple of nights ago and I was taken by surprise on two counts, first by my willingness to go to a gig on a night off and secondly by the bonkers Japanese band who were supporting. They wore their hearts on their sleeves and were obviously heavily influenced by the headliners but have taken the Devo blueprint and made it faster, punkier and a whole lot more manic. Excellent robotic keyboard player too and I never thought I hear myself saying that. Polysics are my new favourite Japanese band (even though I never had an old favourite one) and I’ll be scouring YouTube for live footage sometime soon. So, all that is left of this Japan time is a quick trip over the Rainbow Bridge and past the Tokyo ferris wheel (completely mangled in Godzilla Vs Mothra) for the final gig at the Studio Coast club and home first thing in the morning. The toy shop at Narita airport will get a visit for last minute bargains because one cannot leave without a final armful of playthings, your kids would never forgive you. August 4th 2008 Just a quick note to say to one and all Welcome Back to XSelectronics. I am delighted to say that the hosting bill has been paid in full and the normal mix of complaining, poorly thought out arguments, unwanted technical opinions and gratuitous swearing is back. Until today, the site hadn’t been updated since April and down below you will find all the blog entries that have been piling up unpublished since then all uploaded at the same time. And although I would like to think that there have been hundreds of faithful readers checking back here every couple of days in the desperate hope that some new gormless rant has been posted, I am realistic enough to realise that this is probably not so. I do however know of at least two misguided souls who have been looking forward to this day, so these latest items are dedicated to you my poor, lost children. I am also pleased to announce a couple of things, firstly that due to the restraints of the word count in my Guitar magazine column the planned ’10 Things Musicians Do That Piss Their Roadcrew Off’ piece will now appear as a blog entry on here because lets face it, 600 words isn’t nearly enough to do that subject justice. Secondly, that there will soon be a reformat of the XSelectronics website. The blogs will be individually entered under their own title, subject and date and will be accompanied by relevant illustrations and images. They will all be indexed and hopefully searchable too. I’m also toying with the idea of allowing comments but will probably decide against it as I know I will get fed up trawling through the blog spam everyday looking for genuinely interesting comments to approve. The photo galleries will be a lot more compact and better presented although I cannot guarantee that the content will improve. That’s all in the future though and it may take a while, a friend is putting the templates together for me in his spare time and I have got to get round to uploading the content and you know what I’m like…If you don’t know what I am like trust me here because I do know me, I’m on the inside after all. Besides I’ve already paid for this space until December and you have to get your money’s worth these days don’t you? July 30th 2008 I like to think that I am a reasonably intelligent person. I may not be a surgeon or one of NASA’s top engineers and in fact I left school with only 2 ‘O’ levels (in English and Drama unfortunately. I look back now and think ‘what the hell was I doing?’ metalwork, technical drawing and computer studies would have been far more useful but that’s hindsight for you). Life and its many experiences, books, the ability to listen and learn in an adult way and a willingness to think and evaluate have taught me an awful lot in the 25 odd years since the school gates closed behind me for the last time. Travel is good for broadening the mind too but no matter how extensively I’ve travelled or how clever I may think I have become, there are one or two things which always make me feel that I’m back in class 4Z with an empty brain that somehow doesn’t want to start. Take, for example, the lighting system in some hotel rooms. I am currently sitting in my room in Portugal and I cannot work out how to turn all the lights off from the bed. There is a panel of four switches next to the bed and two different types of reading light above it on each side (one of the styles has its own toggle switch on the base too). A simple law of mathematics says that there are a possible 128 different combinations of these four switches alone, and that is without factoring in the status of the master switches by the door. I can only get the non-gooseneck reading light to come on by having the main lights on too and I can’t turn the hallway lights off and leave the main lights still on, no matter what combinations of master/slave switches I use between the bedside and doorside panels. Plus, the upright lamp on the other side of the room only seems to be controlled from the master panel by the door, which is no good because if you have that turned off then none of the lights work at all and I cannot for the life of me work out how to get the reading light on the gooseneck to turn on at all. On either side of the bed. No matter whether the toggle switch is on or not. Its far too bloody complicated and I think I’m going to cry. All I want to do is lay in bed with a cold ‘un and read my book, is that too much to ask? And another thing, while we are on the subject of hotels, why is there always an episode of Murder She Wrote overdubbed in German on the TV in all European hotel rooms? I find it slightly disturbing and the reason for that is (as anyone who has stayed in a few hotels in Europe can testify) that German seems to have become the international language of pornography. I haven’t made an extensive study of this but it is an impression that I have got from those previews that pop up when you are browsing the channels looking for Discovery in english. You know, the ones where you have to put your room number in to carry on viewing. They always seem to have a German soundtrack, hence the language and the activities are inextricably linked in my mind and that is why it is slightly wrong that Angela Landsbury should seem to be inadvertently encouraging such behaviour. Unless you feel that way about Angela Landsbury of course (I don’t luckily) which could be the result of spending too much time in European hotel rooms, in which case you should stick to BBC World and a club sandwich. Unless you are in the Park Hotel in Novi Said, Serbia as this hotel serves an interesting regional variation on the club sandwich in that it contains beef rather than chicken and it has the bacon on the side. Full marks for innovation I suppose but I have to say I was disappointed. After all the club sandwich is an international benchmark of how good a hotel is, I’m not interested in whether there is a gym or a roof terrace or award winning conference facilities, I need to know how good the club sarnie is. Because lets face it, it is a true multi functional dish- its toasted and contains bacon (and egg) therefore it is suitable for breakfast. The presence of the chicken and salad qualifies it as lunch as well but if you have a huge side of fries (as one should) then it is truly a large meal, making it perfect for dinner usage. Genius whichever way you look at it. Therefore anyone who tries to mess with the tried and tested formula better come up with something pretty special and the Park Hotel didn’t unfortunately. Whereas the Scandic hotel in Borlange, Sweden played a very clever card by serving their club sandwich with curry mayonnaise, a cunning twist that took me by surprise but worked perfectly. Fat bread, lightly toasted. Fat chips nicely browned. These people could teach even the Americans something about the club sandwich and those people have got plenty of previous. Shame the hotel was full of bloody musicians, for a minute there I almost had the perfect meal. July 8th 2008 The Hodokvas Rock Festival is an annual event in Slovakia. I’ve never been there before so I can perhaps be forgiven for thinking that Bratislava was the country we were in instead of the name of the nearest city. Very ignorant of me and I apologise. I will, however, never forget this event because upon our arrival on site, as we wound our way between the shuttle buses and portacabins, I caught a flash of silver over to my right behind the catering tent. Lots of flashes of silver infact, all parked neatly in rows. A sight that nearly made me fall to my knees in astonishment and disbelief, a bit like Charlton Heston at the end of Planet of the Apes (but without the loincloth) met my eyes. A decent portion of the ex-Czechoslovakian air force was sitting disused behind a chainlink fence. At least twenty MIG 21s were rusting away, the polished silver exteriors now weathered and bruised while those with painted fuselages were peeling and flaking. I love a cold war jet and the Eastern Bloc stuff has an allure completely different from Nato hardware, probably due to its scarcity, so the sight of all this in one place was genuinely exciting and the load in would have to wait as this was a photographic opportunity too good to miss. Shame that I’d left my camera at the hotel then…bloody typical. Luckily a colleague came to my rescue with a loan of his Canon and a wander around the perimeter of the fence revealed that this must be the location of some kind of military museum. It was also quite obviously closed which was a shame as every fibre of my being was aching to get in there and wander around. It was incredibly frustrating to be so close to these rarities but not to be able to get a decent photographic angle, especially as none of the exhibits seemed to be roped off in any kind of way. I had to get whatever I could by shooting through the fence. It was probably quite fortunate for the festival that we were shut out as you would have never got me out of there in time for the gig to go ahead as scheduled. I would have been far too busy hugging MIGS and would never want to leave. Mind you, as Tony the Barber pointed out, I could have probably given them a few quid and taken one away with me. Try getting that in the back of a sprinter van without chipping the paintwork.. June 30th 2008 I arrived back in the village on Saturday, freshly laundered and smelling of roses, and found that I was no longer the owner of an electricity supply. I still had electricity though, the clock on the cooker was still winking the incorrect time at me and the Freeview box was still tuned to Dave but I was no longer responsible for the account. Through a complicated series of events that I still don’t fully understand, the person who was the registered occupant of my house before me now has his name on the electricity bill again and everyone at Eon Electricity denies all knowledge of it, me, and even themselves as they claim that the person who changed it over doesn’t exist. Dashed odd behaviour if you ask me, better boot the problem up the chain of command to the landlady and go see a rock band instead of arguing with faceless bureaucracy. I’ve been a worried man recently you see, because due to scheduling problems I’ve been forced to hand over my Stone Gods gig to a babysitter. A babysitter with very overt shoes. Luckily his technical skills far outweigh his shortcomings in footwear and when I didn’t receive any emergency phone calls telling me that all the careful prep work we did was in vain and everything was broken into tiny little bits, I knew that he was doing a damn fine job. Like I always knew he would. However curiosity got the better of me and so it was that I ended up taking a trip up the A11 to Norwich for the final night of the Stone Gods tour to have a butchers at the band, this time from the other side of the fence. I very rarely find myself going to gigs for pleasure as it always makes me a bit fidgety and uneasy, I always have the uncomfortable feeling that I should be doing something else other than propping up the bar swilling lager. I also get very restless if it sounds a bit weird and if any of the gear goes wrong, I have to be practically physically restrained from shouting encouragement and advice. It doesn’t make for a relaxing evening out as you can imagine. There was no need for any of that though, the performance from both band and crew was flawless. The venue was full, the beer was cold and the version of Metallica’s ‘Whiplash’ that the band are knocking out is stunning. Strange watching someone else do your job though, kind of like seeing an ex-girlfriend out and about with her new fella. Or someone doing a cover version of a song you once wrote that you have to accept is very good. Or lending the missus your car knowing it will come back with all the CDs out of the cases and wine gum wrappers or tissues in the ashtray but it returns spotless. So a big round of applause is due to Stuey Q, the bloke in the shadows stage right as it is quite a complex gig to get your head around in a couple of short rehearsals. He won’t be able to hear you clapping though, his shoes are too loud… June 21st 2008 Mosquitos. Bastards. I’m slowly but surely being eaten alive, they have sucked so much blood out of me over the past 24 hours that I feel faint. I’ve got bright red volcanic mounds all over my arms, neck and face that are itching like a bastard and I’ve got them halfway up my back even though I haven’t had my t-shirt off . Pesky little critters, how did they get up there? We are in Venice, Italy and are staying in the same hotel I stayed in last year and people have even been attacked by the mozzie hoards in the safety of their own beds. Not me though, thank god, I’m not daft enough to sleep with the window open. For some reason, the Heineken Jammin’ Festival organisers gave us a stage pretty much to ourselves for last nights gig. We had the luxury of an absurd 5 hours to do our changeover, which was long enough to load in incredibly slowly, change all the strings, leisurely clean and dust everything, re-bias all the rental amps, go have dinner, have the longest line check in the history of rock and still have plenty of time left over for some twiddling of thumbs. All accompanied by the soundtrack of Iggy and the Stooges, Queens of the Stone Age and Linkin Park from over on the other stage. The Sex Pistols faithful were at the barriers pretty early, obviously unaware that they had a long wait instore and I was very puzzled by the chap who stood there all day in his Stooges t-shirt, seemingly oblivious to the noise being made by the genuine article only a few minutes stroll across the park. Perhaps he was distracted, as many were, by our bass tech Tony the Barber. His fleeting resemblance to a certain Mr J. Rotten caused much excitement among the faithful, resulting in plenty of shouting and brandishing of cameras. Isn’t it nice that the singer of the band turns up hours before he is due on to help with the setting up of the bass gear? Now that’s a team spirit. Brings a tear to the old mince pies dunnit? June 11th 2008 So finally the 2008 tour season gains some kind of momentum. Today is the first gig of the Sex Pistols summer tour and we are at Birmingham Academy. A wee bit smaller than anywhere else that the band have done in the 13 years since the first reunion and I was under the impression that it was a secret gig, a bit of a warm up for the festivals etc. How come it has been sold out for almost two months if it’s a secret gig then? How does that work? I suspect that ‘open secret’ may be more accurate…It’s a great responsibility being in charge of one of the greatest guitar sounds in the history of rock and even though its component parts are so few, it is still a delicate balancing act every day to make sure that there is enough of the signature crunch and chug to keep it faithful without tipping the sound over into modern high gain territory. Speaking of signatures, we’ve got a new piece joining us for the next few months, the prototype of the Steve Jones signature series Les Paul Custom and a very impressive item it is too. Word got back to me from the rehearsals in the US that this instrument was preferred over the actual 1974 original and I can see why. Some signature series guitars are issues of standard instruments with the addition of various features that an artist likes but others, like this one, are careful re-creations of a famous instrument, lovingly crafted with an eye to detail. From the tarnished hardware through the colour of the paint job (a wonderful copy of a shade of white that has faded to pub ceiling nicotine yellow) to the subtle but effective relic-ing around the neck and headstock, it not only looks like a guitar that has served its time but it feels played in too. That is a problem I find with some relic guitars, they look authentically beaten up and worn in but once you pick them up it is obvious that you are playing a brand new guitar but not with this one, it does genuinely feel used. The frets may be wider and not quite as flat as on the 74 original, which I suspect may an attempt to play safe and appeal to a wide a potential market as possible, but Gibson have certainly got a nice low action out of it. I’m very impressed and will be looking forward to playing as many of my favourite powerchords on it as possible between now and September. June 2nd 2008 Here’s something to while away the waiting, getting all irate about the slow speed of one’s broadband. I guess I now know why my provider is always careful to use the phrase UP TO 8meg…Here’s the site www.speedtest.net and here is my result (yes I know the date is wrong but I lost the link and had to redo it later)- Bugger. 24th May 2008 It has been said that there is nothing as sad as a seaside town out of season and the person who made that statement must obviously be blessed with a happy fulfilling life because I can think of plenty of things sadder than Margate in December, no matter how grim it might get. But then perhaps I’ve just got a morbid imagination. It would explain a lot thats for sure. Anyway, today’s seaside town is the city of Constanza on the Black Sea coast of Romania. We reached here after a three hour bus ride from Bucharest airport, passing through Eastern Europe peasant towns seemingly provided by central casting and pausing for a short time at the smelliest toilets I’ve ever had the displeasure to use. These facilities are also the only toilets I’ve ever used that have had their own armed guard. Now what is all that about? Answers on a postcard to the usual address please. So, it may be out of season but there is some sunshine about and the town of Constanza is beginning to prepare for the summer. Our hotel is one of many located on a spur of land that appears to have at one time only been reachable by passing through some kind of toll booth. This certainly doesn’t appear to be in use now and leads to speculation that it is perhaps a throw back to the days when the Party members wished to keep the masses at bay, even when on holiday. What is Romanian for Viva La Revolution? Speaking of the revolution, or an attempted revolution to be more accurate, apparently Constanza was the port that the sailors from the battleship Potemkin surrendered to in 1905, after their mutiny failed to spark the planned uprising in the Russian navy and the subsequent revolution and overthrow of the Tzar Nicholas. Check the 1925 classic silent film Battleship Potemkin for a Soviet take on these events, although I am informed that the massacre on the steps of Odessa (one of the film’s highpoints) may never have actually taken place. Opinion on this is divided though. This mention of cinema leads me nicely into in last weeks trip to Norway though, as the town we were staying in, Haugesund, is the venue for the Norwegian International Film Festival. I guess that explains why there were vintage film projectors in all the corridors in the hotel we were staying in and the fact that each and every room was named after a famous film. I was therefore overjoyed to find out that I would be staying in the James Bond wing of the hotel and was given the You Only Live Twice suite. Quite a result I reckon, at least I got something from the Connery era, although I was hoping for a replica of Little Nellie somewhere in the room. Probably not as much as the bloke in the Goldfinger suite was hoping for some dolly bird painted gold on his bed though. Other points of interest in Norway were a record shop called Shabby Records (where is my camera when I need it?) and one of the biggest buildings I have ever seen in my life, which is used for making oil rigs apparently. Finally, the gig itself was in a town an about an hours drive away from Haugesund and took place in a marquee at some kind of village fete. Audience comprised of some of the most monumentally pissed up people I have ever seen outside of the Helsinki-Tallin ferry, and if you have ever been on that you will know what I mean. How the Norwegians ever got across the North Sea and up the Ouse to establish the city of York all those years ago I will never know. 8th May 2008 Thursday afternoon back at the ranch. Still not much going on, got a couple of two day trips out to Europe booked in for later this month and I’m pleased to report that my presence has been requested for the whole of the summer by the Sex Pistols. That doesn’t start for another four weeks though and there are endless days to be filled before then, otherwise one may find oneself eating a Flake and staring mournfully out of the window. There are always those little jobs that need doing around the house and garden of course, although I have a chap with much greener fingers than me who comes round to do the garden end of things otherwise I’d be incapacitated with hay fever for weeks. I mention this because it was while making Andy the gardener a cup of tea yesterday that I made the decision to do something I’ve been putting off for a while. For reasons too dull to go into, my CDs are all kept in the kitchen. This is a temporary arrangement that has been ongoing for the last two and a half years and its non-permanent nature is reflected by the fact that the discs are just stacked up in no particular order. Anyway, I was studying the unruly pile while waiting for the kettle to boil and wondering where the hell the James Bond 30th Anniversary Collection 2 CD set was located amid the chaos. I would have no option but to search from scratch. It was obvious what had happened though- slowly and stealthily, a couple of dozen of the most popular CDs had made their way to the top of the pile and they were in constant rotation while the other 400 or so were virtually ignored because it was too much of a drawn out process to firstly locate and secondly dig out anything else. How had I got through the last two years without the occasional listen to Locust Abortion Technican by The Butthole Surfers, New York by Lou Reed or even Runaway Horses by Belinda Carlisle (by the way, anyone noticed the similarity between the first track- Leave A Light On- and Spanish Bombs by The Clash? Just me then, obviously…). If I had every CD I own copied on to my iPod then I could excuse the fact that the source material was in a state of disarray but I haven’t. I can’t spare the computing power and I only use it in the car anyway so the physical CD is still the medium of choice around the house. It was obvious that a sort out was needed and rearranging them in traditional alphabetical order was the way to go. I’ve done this before and it is the most effective solution and is about 90% successful, any other filing system seems to have too many grey areas. Filing by genre, for example, is a dead loss- one man’s rock could be another man’s pop and what about someone like Neil Young? Everyone’s Rockin’ would have to go in Rock ‘n’ Roll/Rockabilly and Trans would be in Electronica. Plus, I feel it is disrespectful to an artist to bracket his/her/their work and as for the genre ‘World Music’ well, that’s just patronising. So alphabetical is the safest and most logical way to go as it keeps the artist’s work together. You can have separate sections for compilations, soundtracks, classical and so on and you can alphabetise within these sections, which is probably why record shops use this system. Unfortunately though, record shops aren’t as fussy as me and this brings up a couple of anomalies (the 10% of this system that isn’t successful) but before we get into that lets establish some general principles, with the examples of the record shop, bookshop and the telephone directory as our guide to filing correctly. But with one very important exception. The word ‘The’ is always ignored. For example, The Racontours are filed under R and not T. Solo artists are NOT filed by surname as is traditional. PJ Harvey will be found under P not H. The reason for this will be explained later. Artists whose name forms part of a band name will also be filed under the first letter. Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers therefore goes under T. Artists with a name that has a leading number will be filed at the beginning of the collection in numerical order. Therefore 8 Eyed Spy will come before 24-7 Spyz. However, artists who choose to spell the number eg Five Star or Hundred Reasons, will be filed alphabetically. The smart arse who said “What if you had a techno band whose name was a number but they spelt it in binary?” can fuck off. And their imaginary band will be filed in the numeric section, probably at the end. Once a section has been established for an artist, then all releases by that artist will be filed in order of release. This includes compilations. The only exception to this is when an album that has long been withheld is given a release years later in its original form (or even purchased as a bootleg) then it should be placed in the correct place in the time line. Artists whose name is a symbol will be filed in accordance with the phonetics of how they wish have the symbol pronounced. However, the famous example that most of us are familiar with will just go under the letter P. Speaking of the letter P, this brings us nicely to the explanation of why artists are not filed under surname. That man Pop- Iggy Pop to be precise- has had a long and varied career both as a band member and as a solo artist so a problem would arise when trying to keep his work together if we used the surname rule. There would be a large section under P for Pop, Iggy. But if we put the first two Stooges albums in there in order to obey the chronological rule then the alphabetics all go wrong, the collection would go from O to S and then back to P. Also, to make things worse, Raw Power is credited to Iggy and The Stooges (as are all those French releases like Rubber Legs etc) so that should really go under I. But you can’t have three separate sections for one person, it may be technically correct but its artistically disturbing. The easiest solution I found was to have two sections- one under I for Iggy Pop and one under S for The Stooges. Raw Power etc then nestled reasonably comfortably in the Iggy section even though it should really go after Funhouse in the Stooges section. But if you did that, then the S section would go from S to I and then back to S again (The Stranglers come after The Stooges) so something was always going to be wrong and this method stopped the alphabetical system from becoming too bruised. Its just me that’s losing sleep over it. Mind you, it also means I’ve avoided having to separate the Neil Young and Crazy Horse albums away from the Neil Young section too. Plus I don’t want to come across as anally retentive or anything do I? That’d be a nightmare… 28th April 2008 The new issue of Guitar and Bass magazine is out and it distresses me to report that this month’s column has been savagely edited. Its all my fault for exceeding the previously agreed word count by nearly a third and being naive enough to think that said word count was just a general guideline instead of an enforced limit. Anyway, the published version was robbed of most of its character as a result. But luckily I have this space here that needs to be filled on a fairly regular basis. So here for your delectation and delight, or just mild interest, is the unedited version. It reads much better I feel and stands as a lesson to myself that in future I must be much more ruthless with my own editing methods before even thinking of sending the damned thing in… So, the first tour of the year is now over. I haven’t done a UK club tour for years and it disappoints me to report that of all the venues that I was already familiar with only Oxford Zodiac has improved since the last time I was there. I have also had to re-familiarise myself with something I haven’t seen at a gig for a long time (in the loading bay at least)- stairs. I know that there were plenty of burly local lads lending a hand but you don’t a good team spirit going by not joining in do you? Oh, my aching back etc etc…Anyway, all this sweat and effort put us older members of the entourage in a wistful mood and we realised, as we blew the froth off a couple of cold ‘uns late one night, that there are a whole bunch of things that you don’t see at gigs anymore. So, being blokes (and reasonably organised blokes), we made a list. As you do. Beercrates didn’t make it as I’ve found out that they are still thriving at club level. Here’s the top 10 as voted for by the blokes in black- 10 things you don’t see at gigs anymore 1- Fighting Thank god for that. Perhaps it was due the kind of bands I used to like but when I was going to gigs as a punter, during the 80’s, it was always kicking off somehow. And not always in the audience, a friend of mine got a right good shoeing at a Dead Kennedys gig once- and he was doing monitors. They still sell alcohol at gigs and some of the music is more violent than ever but only once in the past 18 years have I seen a band stop playing to try to calm a situation and that was due to the pit security starting it anyway. If you believe the tabloids then the nation is crippled by gangs of violent youths. Well, I spend a lot of time around large gatherings of youths and I haven’t seen it. Lets keep it that way, shall we? 2- JC120s Where have they all gone? Stages used to be knee deep in these and despite having the worst sounding ‘distortion’ control in the world, artists as diverse as Andy Summers and James Hetfield used to swear by them. Fads and fashions for gear come and go but eventually one usually trips across some maverick who swears by a laughable piece of kit that everyone else dumped years ago. But not the JC120. This transistor driven Roland combo seems to have disappeared into the ether, its shimmering cascade seemingly silenced forever. Perhaps all those African bands that you don’t hear of anymore, who were last enthusiastic users of this item, took them all home with them. 3- Gobbing During November 2007 I was involved with the Sex Pistols UK tour. These dates were prompted by the 30th anniversary of the album Never Mind The Bollocks and I was initially worried that it also might be the 30th anniversary of the audience spitting at the band. I even bought a couple of pairs of surgical gloves as I thought they might come in useful for handling instruments that had become ‘slippery’ all of a sudden. No need though, the audience was neatly divided into the younger “Eww, gross..” generation and their parents, who are now estate agents and car salesmen and are above that kind of behaviour. So we can consign gobbing to the dustbin of history. Good thing too. 4- Dry Ice Not to be confused with smoke. Smoke is a crucial element for making the beams of the lights stand out in a suitably dramatic fashion and therefore the smoke machine- and its stealthier sibling the ‘cracker’- is still standard issue. Dry ice is the heavier stuff that looks like smoke but never rises further than the knees. No self respecting 70’s rock band would be without a suitably atmospheric number where this stuff was allowed to tumble over the stage edge. You know, Stone‘enge and all that. Probably banned by the HSE these days (dry ice that is, not atmospheric epics). 5- Loads of Par Cans Speaking of lights, Par Cans have become very much a bit player these days. Digital technology has meant that one programmable light can do the job of 20 by moving around and changing colour at the Lighting Designers whim. The days of huge banks of lights (known as Par Cans) each flashing their individual colour on and on ad nauseum can relived by staring at the cover of Queen’s Live Killers album or watching Iron Maiden’s promo clip for Run To The Hills (as if you needed an excuse!). 6- Fretless Basses The 80’s again. A gig wouldn’t be complete without one of these swooping and bubbling away, everyone from Pino Palladino to Mick Karn to New Model Army to the bloke from Stump had one. My mate Pete considered it so crucial to have one on hand that he pulled all the frets out of one of his spare basses with a kitchen knife. The workshop I was an assistant at the time charged him a fortune to re-fret it once sanity had prevailed. I haven’t seen a fretless since. 7- Singers climbing PA stacks They were all at it once some bloke called Bono had made this crowd pleasing manoeuvre popular, although I had seen Lux Interior from The Cramps do it first a few years before. Now PA cabinets are smaller, modular and more often than not hung from the roof, I suppose opportunities are radically diminished. Jake Shears from Scissor Sisters is fond of getting up on the sidefills, I bet he would relish the chance to scale a giant stack of black Lego to serenade some bird on the balcony. Actually, on second thoughts, perhaps he’d just enjoy the climb. 8- Curly Leads If older readers had strayed a little too far onstage back in the day, the end of one of these would spring out of the amp and smack them in the arse mid solo. So you can understand why they are no longer popular. Even the fashion for all things vintage hasn’t extended to the curly lead, not even among the most retro of bands. Brian May bravely modelled one well into the 90’s but according to his website, even he hasn’t used one in over 10 years. 9- TU12 tuners A neat bit of patricide by Roland/Boss. The TU2 is now the standard stage tuner and lets be honest, it is a much better product. Built like a tank, nice bright LEDs and it mutes so you can do away with the A/B box or volume pedal you needed to silent tune with a TU12. In fact does anyone, anywhere still use a tuner with a needle? 10- Silver gaffa tape Once upon a time it was all you could get and everything was covered in it and looked a mess. These days black is the norm (of course) and a whole spectrum of colours is available, including glow in the dark versions. Military suppliers Silvermans will even sell you a camouflage roll. Careful where you put it down though, you might not be able to find it again… 19th April 2008 Lunchtime at the Sofitel, Munich. Its raining outside and I’m bored. Pulled a muscle in my shoulder a couple of nights ago and the pain has spread across the whole of my upper back and neck and is starting to give me a headache. Seems like a long time since the last blog entry so this is going to be a non slouching, head-up-and-back-straight update of recent events brought to you courtesy of Neurofen, Anadin Extra and Co-Codamol. So, the big issue is what the hell has happened to the 2008 tour season? The roadcrew grapevine is alive with people pleading for work, everyone from overpaid lighting designers to stone deaf FOH persons are out foraging for nuts and berries to feed the kids. Some are lucky enough to have weekends here and there but proper, packing a suitcase, time to pay the tax bill type tour work has been pretty scarce so far this year. The end of April is beginning to hove into view and I have only worked two gigs since Feb 28th. Included on the list of people that I haven’t paid so far this year are my internet hosting company, so there is a good chance these words will never appear online as I’m fully expecting the whole thing to be pulled any day now. I’ve never known a year as bad as this. The usual script is that Jan/Feb is quiet but by the time March comes around, the offers are in and you know pretty much what you are going to be up to until the end of festival season. Not this time. The phone stubbornly refuses to ring and a click on send/receive just brings offers of cheap Viagra and imitation Rolex watches. A friend of mine blames festivals, he says there are too many. Its cheaper for a band to do the rounds of festivals rather than perform a string of dates of their own plus some special appearances in the summer and that would certainly explain why the line ups at these events seem to be so similar. Another theory is that record companies are becoming increasing unwilling to provide tour support, which in the light of declining sales is understandable but it must be said that these retail troubles are a result of their own actions and I believe that the current state of affairs is their own bad karma from all those years of CD price fixing. That may or may not be true and is an interesting discussion in its own right. What is certain though is there are various business moves afoot in the music industry at the moment and I suspect a whole reassessment of the concert industry and how it works is going to be forced on us all in the not too distant future and anyone who is unwilling or even unable to adapt (through circumstances that may be beyond their control) may be in for a pretty rough old time. The night of the long knives is nigh. Expect some bloodshed. 10th March 2008 The new issue of Guitar and Bass magazine is currently in the shops, this one contains my second column for the mag and I would like to say, right now, without fear of contradiction- because its 100% true- that the version that I submitted for publication did not contain the words ‘dance merchants’. I would never refer to an artist that I have worked with in such a flippant, disrespectful way. For the same reasons I have never referred to David Grey or Badly Drawn Boy as a ‘tunesmith’ or Bush as ‘post grunge wannabes’, I would never refer to the Prodigy as ‘dance merchants’. Firstly because I’m not interested in that kind of hack phraseology and secondly because I don’t believe they are accurate descriptions of peoples talents. When I was offered the opportunity to write for this publication, I was worried about what I would, or would not, be allowed to say and I was told that it would be “your column, your words”. Well, the phrase ‘dance merchants’ is not my words so apologies to the Prodigy. 3rd March 2008 I got caught playing air guitar by the postman today. Being 43 years of age, its not something I do very often anymore but occasionally, when in a good mood and the music is right, I might pick up the invisible axe for a bar or so if my hands aren’t otherwise occupied. Like when waiting for the kettle to boil for example. Anyway she (yes, I know I said postman but ours is a woman) had a package that I had to sign for and had probably been hammering at the door for a while. I couldn’t hear her as I was in the kitchen making pancakes while listening to Metallica and she could probably hear the noise too which is why she knew for certain that I was in. The solo during ‘Creeping Death’ is one of my favourite Kirk Hammett moments and I was with him all the way and it was only when I triumphantly stepped back from the imaginary wedge line that I have in my kitchen that I noticed a figure waving at me from the front garden. If you take a couple of steps to the left from my front door and stand in between the rose bush and the flower bed (if, for example, you wanted to see if there were any lights on or anyone actually home) you then get a great line of sight through the window, across the living room and into the part of the kitchen bordered on three sides by the oven, sink and worktops. Or the ‘stage thrust’ as I like to call it. After I had sheepishly hit standby (aka pressed pause) and signed for my package without meeting the post lady’s eye and retreated back in doors, it occurred to me, to my horror, that I would have been almost but not quite side on to her for the whole solo and therefore she would have not been able to see my fretting hand at all and would have only been able to see the elbow and arm of my picking hand. Which was waggling away frantically at round about groin level as I matched Hammett note for note…I live in a small village and you know what they are like. I may have to put a notice on the church message board explaining the circumstances and assuring the good people of Suffolk that I wasn’t having a you know what. Although come to think of it, listening to that horrible satanic heavy metal music is probably a bigger crime round these parts than being caught having a quick one off the wrist anyway. 20th February 2008 Well, ain’t it a funny old game and no mistake? Last month I tipped my hat to The Twang for going off the beaten track during their upcoming UK dates. Seven weeks later I receive an emergency phone call asking if I can take over backline duties as illness has forced a crew member to leave the tour. So it was that I found myself inside Frome Cheese and Grain last Thursday, with a stack of unfamiliar gear and a cheat sheet in my hand. The Frome Womens Institute Morning Market had to finish before load in could commence, so this was an excellent opportunity to purchase home made marmalade and yummy cakes. A splendid start to the day, a fine way to start a tour and something you won’t get at Brixton Academy thats for sure. These new commitments meant that I had to miss the works outing to see Megadeth in Norwich, which was a shame but all is not lost as a smattering of two handed tapping is visible during The Twang’s set, which is a fact that took me by surprise. I had expected some kind of shambling indie nonsense from a band that the NME has said are ‘the best new band in Britain’ because lets face it they say that quite often and the subjects of this accolade are usually pretty ramshackle and tiresomely inept. However, if one can envisage a mixture of the Happy Mondays, Captain Beefheart and Simple Minds, then add plenty of whammy bar action, an occasional suspicion of shoegazing and even a fleeting appearance of African style guitar then you get a kind of idea of where the band are coming from- to my ears at least. Unusual and interesting stuff. Last nights gig at Reading University was livened up by a complete evacuation of the building just two minutes before stage time- audience, band, crew, and barstaff all turfed out into the same freezing car park due to a defective smoke detector. The gig eventually went ahead an hour later after a mass sing along in the cold, the all clear from the Thames Valley Fire Service and an extremely orderly re-opening of the building. Well done to the staff of the SU for a faultless fire procedure. Nice to know that you are in safe hands sometimes isn’t it? 29th January 2008 I notice that the person who climbed onto the stage last night has posted a clip of himself on YouTube. Someone has added a comment to say “U got what u deserve” and apart from the appalling text speak I have to say I agree. The day that I come to your office and stamp on your computer or come round to your house and tap dance on your furniture, smashing all your treasured possessions is the day you can get up onto my stage and stand all over the FX boards OK? It’s not you who will have to attempt to repair the damage you cause, its me. That takes up time and resources that I don’t always have. Stay where you are supposed to be, that way everyone benefits. You don’t look like a dickhead, the gig won’t have to be stopped because you’ve broken something, the Saint Johns Ambulance crew won’t have to stop treating people who are genuinely in distress to attend to the injury you sustained when security threw you back down and perhaps someone could use the space on YouTube to post something genuinely interesting. Like film of a two headed kitten or something. 21st January 2008 A day off in Sheffield, just a stones throw from Meadowhall with its small but well stocked model shop, as used by the Prodigy model club for its first round of kits I seem to remember. Those were the days- 4 guitars, two amps, no FX and NO STAIRS. Had to suffer my first set of stairs in years at King Tuts a couple of days ago. Still, I was mummys little soldier and didn’t complain- I used to work at the LA2 you see, so I know all about stairs and their wily ways and had mentally prepared myself. The physical preparation got overlooked however so I’m not saying it didn’t hurt I’m just not moaning about it. Apart from the events of Bristol, which we won’t go into, all is well. Band are rocking the house every night, the guitar tech feature that I wrote for Guitar magazine is in this months issue (vol 19 number 2. Cheap Acoustics on the cover. Available from all good newsagents and a few crap ones) the second column is also in the bag and I’m currently working through the list of blog subjects in my notes to decide which ones to put here and which ones to save for the magazine. Therefore I regret to inform those readers who are eagerly awaiting “10 things musicians do that piss their roadcrew off” that I have now earmarked this for a magazine column and you will have to pay to read it. Or wait until I get round to scanning it and putting it on the archive page, which may take a while because I’ll have to wait until IPC Media have turned their back. Anyway, time for dinner and TGI Friday is the nearest unfortunately so I need to decide which kind of crap meat dish I least object to having covered in cheese. Tough decision. 4th January 2008 After a couple of false starts in December 2007, one due to health reasons and the other due to extremely bad planning by some foreigners, Stone Gods are getting ready for their debut UK headlining tour. So it is that the new year begins with a quick round of rehearsals in Norfolk. Upfront preparations have revealed the fact that due to the number of different tunings, we will need 17 guitars to perform just over an hours worth of material although that number does include spares (and we can only keep it down to that number by drastically retuning a few once they have been used). So, two of my four string motherfuckers have had the dust blown off and been drafted in to make up numbers. The Rickenbacker has barely been used since 1991, when it was edged out into second place by the arrival of one of the same model in black and the Jazz has not been used in anger since the last Skyscraper gig in 1996 and currently has a busted switch. Funnily enough I broke this switch while using the Jazz at a session in a studio called the Chapel, which is where a band called The Darkness later recorded their album. This band later split and became Stone Gods…blimey, Kevin Bacon can only be three more steps away surely. So, of course, it starts to rain just as the transport staggers to the loading doors but having had a close encounter with the pond on the way in I would have thought the vehicle would laugh off a bit of rain, not allow it to come seeping in through the roof all over the gear. Vans these days are puffs, they just don’t build them like they used to. And another thing- the long ones are too low and the higher ones are too short, why don’t they make a long, high one? We wouldn’t have to de-stack the cabinets to get them onto the tail lift then. Still, the good news is that stage left has got all the acoustics (including the 12 string, thank god) and that I don’t have to do any of the driving in Johnny Europe as I've never done it before, my responsibility ends (but then starts again on the way back) at Harwich. Good thing too, I’m a bit suspicious about all this driving on the other side of the road business- I tried it on the A11 on the way down here, it’s a bloody nightmare. 19th December 2007 Been sitting around with my feet up this week, swilling tea and perusing the latest issue of Q magazine and I’m pleasantly pleased by what I’m seeing. I don’t mean up the front end with the tittle tattle and reader’s letters but further on toward the back, after the reviews and obligatory plug for Glastonbury but before the ads for CD storage. The latest round of tour adverts contain plenty of words that I haven’t seen on any tour itinerary for a long time. Words like Lancaster Sugarhouse for example. After what seems like years of UK tours consisting of London/Manchester/Glasgow/Birmingham and that’s yer lot, it seems like some brave souls have decided to go further afield to bring their message to the masses. The February 2008 tour by The Twang has dates in Frome, Falmouth and Bangor while Lincoln Engine Shed seems to be appearing in the schedule of most acts of the ‘indie’ persuasion. Athlete are visiting Folkstone and Warrington and poor old KT Tunstall seems to have drawn the short straw and will be playing in Grimsby this coming April. Once upon a time, not long ago, you would never dream of going up to Scotland and not playing Edinburgh and Dundee (and perhaps Aberdeen too) as well as Glasgow. I first saw the Clash at Bridlington Spa and I see that is making an appearance on someones list of dates next year as well, so its not like the venues have gone away. There is no excuse except sheer laziness for not going to Southend Cliffs Pavilion, Hull University or Northampton Roadmenders. I know touring is expensive but lets face it, the amount of money that gets wasted on a daily basis in the music business would keep dozens of bands on the road indefinitely and if CD sales fall any further, making money from touring could just become vital. I’d love to see UK tours lasting for a month again, and my tax office would be over the moon too. It may take a major change in behaviour from the top down but if artists took a realistic look at how their money is spent, sacrificed just a small degree of their comfort and surrounded themselves with competent, efficient personnel then there is no reason that a long tour at theatre level upwards could not turn a profit (or at the very least not make a loss) and you would get to see what the inside of Skegness Embassy Theatre looks like…how good would that be?! 10th December 2007 Is it just me or does anyone else have a major aversion to having their photograph taken? I don’t mean the kind of photos that have some other point of interest eg guitars, cars, landscapes and so on which just happen to have a person in them too, I mean the kind where you go somewhere to be specifically lit for a formal photo. This has happened to me this week as I have, in the parlance of mobsters everywhere, been given an offer I can’t refuse. I have written a few features for Guitar & Bass Magazine over the past couple of years- in fact, the latest article I have written should be appearing in next month’s issue- and they have now given me the opportunity to write a monthly column. A whole page all to myself to spout off about anything that takes my fancy as long as it is roughly related to guitars, touring or gigs. A little bit like this place actually but with a bit of editorial supervision. They also need a mugshot of self to stick at the top of the page as readers like to put a face to the name apparently. Hence, I find myself in a subterranean lair just off Croydon High Street in the company of IPC Media’s house photographer who is valiantly trying to make me not look grumpy and old, what with the camera never lying and all that. I suppose the problem is that in my minds eye I see myself as an older version of what I looked like in my early twenties, the lines and creases have appeared and the jowls might be beginning to think about dropping a bit when they can be bothered and of course the luxury lions mane of healthy hair is now an ancient legend but essentially I think I am the same young guy with a few years added, thats all. It always comes as a total shock to see photographs of oneself and find a total stranger staring back…have I got Dorian Grey’s bathroom mirror? Because I see myself every morning and I don’t look like that, this bloke’s camera must be broken. But no, its that context thing again, in the mornings there is always some shaving/brushing/washing activity going on that detracts the attention from the pure image and I’m sure that we all unconsciously move our heads to find the best angles. No-one stares at their reflection in the mirror unless they are trying to conjure up demons or achieve transfiguration, surely. Anyway, the powers that be veto a full length shot and insist on a close up and I try to go for an abstract angle but they aren’t having that either and we eventually use a guitar neck as a prop and the best shot IMO is the one where I get to hide behind it…cowardly I know but I don’t think that enough computing power exists to digitally enhance me to the degree necessary. First column should be in the February issue by the way, final choice of they photo used stands with the art people and they are not going to want some gruesome troll shot ruining their layout. Hopefully. 19th November 2007 Easyjet flight 214, Glasgow to Stansted. Sodding hell, I’m knackered. Have run myself a bit ragged so far this month. Between the short notice Keane gigs, the Sex Pistols and the running backwards and forwards to Norfolk on every day off I’ve been left with barely a minute to catch up with myself. This flight is the only way to get back to the studio before the end of rehearsals today, the seatbelt light has just gone off and this stewardess is about to charge me four quid for a cup of tea and a packet of biscuits. The Sex Pistols tour is now over and god bless Glasgow because last night was a storming performance, like a proper old fashioned gig like your mum used to make- a good old sing along with plenty of spitting, beer throwing and blood. I wouldn’t usually approve of any of the last three but it seemed to be a fitting end to the whole thing, albeit a strange way to show your appreciation. I have final proof that the magic of guitar playing is all in the fingers too. Over the past two weeks of line checks I have tried my hardest to sound like Steve Jones. I have been playing his guitar through his rig, even playing his parts in his songs during the crew band soundcheck but it still doesn’t sound right. The minute he starts playing though, its all there. I wonder how frustrating it is for those people who buy exactly the same gear as their heroes in an attempt to sound like them, because if you haven’t got their hands, then it isn’t going to sound the same. Or maybe I am just crap, I dunno…So the next item on the agenda is the final few days of rehearsals and rig building in Norfolk. We have gone through most of the multi channel heads on the market and the pick of the bunch seems to be the Diezel Herbert so that has to be incorporated into things. Plenty of programming to look forward to as well as a dozen guitars to set up once string gauges have been decided on. Might be able to schedule a lay in for sometime later in the month. 7th November 2007 Sorry to harp on about the past all the time, it must be annoying for younger readers. Rest assured that I’m not 100% happy about it either, it gives me the uncomfortable feeling of being like a grumpy old granddad in the corner, party hat askew, muttering away to himself about the old days while the whole family ignores him and gets on with Christmas. Must check myself for musty clothes and the faint odour of urine when I get a minute. Anyway, about thirty years ago when everything still looked like the opening scene in Bagpuss, I lived in a small town oop north. Our nearest major record shop was Sydney Scarborough which was confusingly located not in Scarborough (or even Sydney) but not a million miles away from there- and only 15 miles from us- in Hull. If you had a shiny 10p piece, or were one of those posh folk with a phone in your house, you could ring a special number (I can still remember it- 0482 211411) and hear ‘Sydney Scarborough’s Record of the Week’. Not sure if this service is still available but if it is I bet its now £1.00 a minute plus a connection fee…The record of the week was usually by somebody like The Real Thing, Boney M or a selection from the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack until one week in June 1977 when my 10p disappeared into the slot and I heard ‘Pretty Vacant’ by the Sex Pistols. Of course I was aware of their work but only in the same way as the rest of the nation i.e. through what we read in the newspapers, and they just said that they were nasty, spiteful people that made an un-listenable racket. I had never heard them on the radio (because they were never played during the day) I was too young to know what the NME or Radio Luxembourg was and the last single that I had bought was MaNaMaNa by The Muppets. So I was therefore astonished to hear a completely catchy pop song. It was easy to sing along to, the ‘we’re so pretty, oh so pretty’ was not only a fantastically arrogant thing for these so-called ugly, horrible people to say, it appealed to my emerging adolescent attitude problem. That week, I spent all my pocket money and most of one afternoon in the phone box listening to Pretty Vacant. I made my best mate David Hankins listen to it but he didn’t like it (we started to drift apart after this) and when my other friend Mike Redford (no relation to Robert) told me that his big brother David considered himself a punk rocker and he was going to be one too, I had no choice but to confess all about Pretty Vacant and from that moment on I was lost- never to be a doctor, lawyer, mine worker, lorry driver or shop assistant. I would never buy a Top 20 Greats compilation album from Woolies ever again (even if they did have dolly birds on the front) and even when Pretty Vacant charted and was played on Radio 1 (no offensive content, see?) and my mum said she liked it, I wasn’t put off. I wanted to play in a band and write songs like Pretty Vacant. The following months would contain many significant events- discovering The Clash, The Damned & John Peel, the release of Holidays in the Sun, throwing a tantrum because my parents wouldn’t buy me any straight jeans, trying to sneak Never Mind the Bollocks into the house because it had a swearword in the title- all character building stuff, the details of which I won’t go into in case I ever want to release one of those ‘weren’t the 70s ace’ type memoirs that clog up the music reference section in Waterstones. All of this though, is leading up to yesterday. Because on 6th December 2007 I found myself in a rehearsal studio in London awaiting the arrival of the four people who made a record that changed the course of my life. One doesn’t find oneself in this position very often and, being a professional and all that, I couldn’t give a shit about celebrity status. I’ve met hundreds and they have all been thoroughly normal human beings and I have treated them accordingly. Having said that, there must have been something so deep rooted in my history with this band , a nervousness that I couldn’t even acknowledge even to myself, that made me over compensate and therefore decide that “You sound terrible, have you got the flu?” was 18th October 2007 I’ve had a couple of rants about aircraft recently but today’s events can’t be ignored so if I am allowed to indulge myself one more time, then I promise to return the anorak to the cupboard and not return to the subject for a while. So, congratulations are due to the Vulcan to the Sky trust as their 10 year long effort to return one of the last remaining examples of the cold war classic Vulcan bomber to flightworthy status has today paid off. Avro Vulcan XH558 took off from the runway at Bruntingthorpe airfield in Leicestershire at around 12.30 and completed a short 30 minute test flight, the first time it has flown since 1993. Since being retired from RAF duty and subsequently purchased by a private individual, this aircraft has undergone the most complex restoration in aviation history at a cost of nearly 6 million pounds, most of which was raised by pledges from the public and private donations. This amount has raised numerous criticisms within historic aviation circles (money could have been better used elsewhere, more deserving causes etc) but in the end, people will only part with their hard earned cash if a project arouses their interest, so if they are donating to XH558 rather than any other restoration then the fact is that seeing it fly again is a much more exciting prospect than any of the alternatives. Which is a shame for all those persons working hard on various other projects around the country, my admiration goes out to them , I wish them the best of luck and I will still be making donations to keep XL426 running at Southend airport. Also, if anyone wants to restore either of the Migs at Newark, I’ll chip in for that too. As for XH558, only time will tell if that famous shape and the astonishing noise of those four Rolls Royce Olympus engines will pull in enough revenue from the general public to keep her in the air (consensus seems to be that a private sponsor will be needed to make up the deficit) but whatever happens one cannot take away the enormous engineering achievement that has taken place despite the financial difficulties that have dogged the project from the very beginning. So please do the VTTS people a favour and go and see this remarkable aircraft for yourself next summer. If you are not impressed by one of the best noises you will ever hear, I’ll give you your money back. 2nd October 2007 It is that time of the year again when the quiet roads of the English countryside become filled with a slow moving selection of vicious looking agricultural machinery. The uses for these items are as mysterious as the array of prongs, blades, wheels and forks that grasp toward the oncoming traffic like Freddy Kruger’s gloves as imagined by the crew from Monster Garage. The harvest terror is completed by a range of offensive smells courtesy of the muck spreader as it re-nourishes the ground after the assault and although this can make going outdoors unpleasant at times, at least it makes a change from blaming the dog for your own odours. Anyway, in my area, my favourite items of vicious looking machinery and their associated smells can be found in the vicinity (i.e. mostly above) RAF Lakenheath. Despite the RAF prefix, this is actually home to the Liberty Wing of the USAF and its F-15 C/D/E range of ground attack and air superiority aircraft. What I like about Lakenheath is the fact that the A1065 runs right alongside the base and most of the length of runway 06 is visible from a number of easily accessible points around the fences. A chap, like me, with a reasonably efficient camera can spend a pleasant day in the sun practicing his skills and revelling in all the reheat action. And by the way its not ‘plane spotting’ OK? It’s photography, a very respectable hobby- the subjects just happen to be aircraft. So, as the runway is so close to the road, this means that incoming aircraft make their approach low over the adjoining fields (public land) and over the road, wheels barely missing the top of the Eddie Stobarts heading toward the A11. So there I was last week, having a lovely day, getting some nice profiles of the 48th Tactical Fighter Wing coming back in for lunch when I decided that it might be good to try to get a head on shot for a change. Legend has it that the base don’t really like people standing directly under the approach so I was mindful to keep slightly to one side of the approach lights, unfortunately so was the pilot of the final aircraft. I have to say, its all very well being macho, spreading ‘Jet Noise- The Sound Of Freedom’ stickers on my toolkit, going to see Motorhead live, singing “noise is for heroes, HEROES!!” along with The Damned and buying afterburnerclimaxxx.com for my own future use, but when the pilot of this aircraft decided to come around for another approach and so gunned both engines while directly over my head at less that a hundred feet, I almost shat in my pants. I’ve never heard, or felt, a bottom end like it. I don’t think I’ve ever truly had my fight-or-flee adrenaline reflex kick in before and I’m ashamed to say that the flee option won out- I found myself cowering in the long grass 20 metres away. It was absolutely brilliant and utterly terrifying at the same time. I’m still in two minds whether I’d do it again. If Ampeg, Ashdown, EBS, SWR, the all new Trace Elliot or whoever really wants to be the maker of the sound that will kill the competition stone dead then they need to get down to their nearest air base and have a listen because that’s the kind of sound quality we want. And I’m never going to be satisfied standing at the crowd line at an airshow again. Its much too far from the action… 26th September 2007 Oh oh. The X files people were right. The truth IS out there- www.myspace.com/skyscrapertheband 20th September 2007 At some point in the next couple of years we can expect Ebay to become over run with second hand wireless equipment. It may seem like a bargain but don't touch it with a bargepole. The ongoing expansion of mobile phone networks and the switchover to digital TV (expected to be complete in all areas by 2011) has proved to be too much of a cash cow for the government to resist and they are putting up the rights to broadcast on certain frequencies for sale. These frequencies include some bands that up until now were reserved for concert and live performance. The recent sale of four licences (the bandwidth of which is long way from your guitar beltpack) raised £2.2 Billion for the Treasury so you can see why the government is looking hungrily at what other frequencies can be turned into revenue. The mobile phone industry is awash with cash and is pressing hard for the communications regulators OFCOM to make our stretch of turf available to them. OFCOM, unfortunately, is not staffed by technicians but economists and businessmen so the impact on equipment users is not their primary concern. The mobile phone and broadcast lobbies are just too powerful and their resources are so massive that a huge chunk of our available bandwidth is due to disappear sometime soon and if your wireless gear happens to operate in a part of that bandwidth, then it will be illegal to use and you will have to replace it. Not so bad if you have a few hundred quids worth of entry level equipment but potential disaster for pro users who have invested many thousands of pounds. Most pro level gear is programmable fortunately so you should be able to work around the frequencies that will become denied but the narrow slice of the airwaves that will be left for concert and performance use will be woefully inadequate for large scale events, especially when the clipboard crews all get their wellies on. So, allow yourself a hollow laugh when you watch the repeat of the Live Music Awards and notice that they are sponsored by Vodafone, as it is the greed of them and their rivals that are going to make the staging of not just large events but live music in general much more difficult in the future. 10th September 2007 Airlines that offer routes around Europe are bringing in new baggage restrictions about now. This is going to limit baggage to one item per person, at a maximum weight of 23KG. A guitar in a flightcase generally weighs around 18KG, an amp head of such a species as Marshall or Mesa Boogie comes in at around 30KG and bespoke racks and items like cable trunks could weigh anything, depending on what you need. So hopefully this is going to put an end to the situation where agents, mindful of nothing except their percentage, will book a band into Copenhagen one night and Milan the next. There are few things more depressing than turning up at the airport at 6AM to try to check in a stripped down backline that, even at a bare minimum, still consists of 20 non-standard items (watching a rack slide down the chute at the baggage carousel with one of the lids missing is one of those things). I also think that it is pretty disrespectful for pen pushers to expect an artist to reproduce songs that they have carefully recorded and mixed with whatever the Hungarian/Finnish/Portugese promoter can provide- but that's another issue, so back to airports. I'm an aircraft fan. I can still remember vividly the first time I took my first trip on an aircraft and one of these days I'll have a jolly good blog about the time I pulled 4Gs over the Isle of Wight but it has to be said air travel is about as much fun these days as signing on. In fact airport terminals have much in common with the benefit offices of old and I don't buy into the fact that it is all the fault of Al Qaeda. Much as I hate to think that people would capitalise on tragedy, I suspect that the airlines and the companies that run the airports have seized on the current security situation as an excuse to take the piss. Take, for instance, the longer check in times that they claim is due to the extra security measures. I have lost count of the number of times that I have been faced with a huge queue and one check in person struggling to cope alone in a huge row of empty desks. I suggest that the longer check in times are merely due to the fact that the airlines will not employ more front of house staff. Security has been tightened I agree, but have the airports taken on more staff to deal with the extra workload? I think you can guess the answer to that...I recently changed planes at Gatwick en-route from Dublin to Spain and despite having gone through the full security screening at my airport of departure, I was forced to do it all again in the transit terminal. Needless to say there was a huge queue to get to the one x-ray machine that was working in a row of three. I asked the hatchet faced old bag who was ordering people around what was the problem with the other two and she replied that there was no-one available to operate them. It also raises the question of whose security procedures do they not trust that they feel it necessary to do it again? Dublin's'? Or their own? Suffice to say, it took an hour and a half to get through it and I not only nearly missed the flight but the woman at my departure gate had to the nerve to have a go at me for boarding at the last minute. Due to the piss poor catering facilities at Dublin airport and the delay in transferring I hadn't eaten since the night before so she was lucky she didn't my carry on bag wrapped round her fucking rosy red features of her little fucking face (© Steve Martin). If security is so important why, when you check in at Terminal 3 in Heathrow, do they tell you to leave your oversize bags on a trolley in the corner after they have been tagged but when they are still in a public area (and in danger of being nicked too)? While we are on the subject of Heathrow Terminal 3, I also note that they are making passengers take off their shoes for a separate x-ray once you are through the main security screening points. 210,000 people per day travel through Heathrow (source TimesOnline August 2007) so split between the four existing terminals that is 52,500 passengers per terminal. Now, lets be generous and say that the first flight is at 6AM and the last at midnight, that is 18 hours, which works out at 2916 passengers per hour. Lets be even more generous and say half of those are arriving and not departing, that leaves 1458.33 persons per hour go through the shoe x-ray machine. So how many seats do Heathrow provide for people to sit on while they put their shoes back on? Three. No wonder there's a fucking queue you morons. And why the hell is 2 bottles at 100ml any less dangerous than 1 bottle at 200ml? Can anyone explain that to me? Also, it's the 21st century. We live in the age of microchip technology, keyhole surgery, magnetic imaging and so on. The CIA is using super sophisticated spying devices and the Hubble space telescope can see hundreds of millions of miles into far off galaxies. In the light of this, am I being asked to accept that there is no technology in existence that can tell the difference between an explosive device and a bottle of Evian? Or am I being asked to accept that there is but no-one can be arsed to pay for it? Personally, I accept that there is and no-one can be arsed to pay for it because it is too profitable to sell you everything that you chucked away all over again when you are airside. Speaking of which, what about all those bottles, cans and containers over 100ml that are being sold to you on the other side of security, have every single one of those been carefully screened before being allowed in the outlets of the departure lounge? Finally, because its getting late and we saw earlier how being hungry can affect my mood, what is the deal with carry on bags? It is now written in letters of fire that it shall be one bag only per passenger so how come you can weigh yourself down with as much shopping as your credit card can stand once you are through? The great Bobby Fleckman once said 'Money talks, bullshit walks' but at airports these days the forces of incompetence, inefficiency and cynical commercialism are busy making sure that the two are pretty much interchangeable. Except Stansted, which is ace because its 20 minutes from my house. 27th August 2007 Festival season is nearly over. Got one left in Spain on 8th September and then the Visqueen can go away again for another year. Last week contained the penultimate festival of 2007 and was a game of two halves, as we have been from Tel Aviv, Israel (temperature around 92F) straight onto a plane to Tromso, Norway (temperature around 42F and chucking down with rain). I have never been to either of these places before and it has to be said that Tromso wins hands down, despite Tel Aviv having the obvious attractions of an ocean side resort. Like most mediterranean cities, Tel Aviv still seems to be in the process of being built but the parts that have been completed seem to be crumbling already. It is dirty, overcrowded and even the seafront hotel strip could do with tidying up. There are too many rude people and there are too many guns. According to the lady who was translating for us (who wasn't rude, by the way) the rest of Israel don't like Tel Avivians either so that eased my conscience a little. So, onto Tromso, which is way up north at the top of Norway. I've never been inside the Arctic Circle before and apparently Tromso is an Aurora Borealis hotspot so I was disappointed to see that the weather was cloudy and overcast. In my ignorance I did not know that the lights are only visible in winter. There is always a strange kind of underlying atmosphere in places like this, where you are close to the wilderness. The surroundings can sometimes have a foreboding presence. You feel like you are being allowed to exist here, tolerated perhaps- as if Balrogs from the mountains and Krackens from the sea would rear up at a moments notice and devour whole communities. If they could be arsed. Perhaps that is why there seems to be a kind of a grudging respect for nature; you can buy all kinds of lethal hunting equipment and at the same time also get the very best in survival gear. The Norwegians still catch whales too, apparently for 'research purposes' although the reported appearance of whale burgers on the menu seems to suggest that these 'research purposes' only stretch as far as testing how nice whale burgers are. Still, if you were in possession of a festival pass you were entitled to 50% off the bill at all the restaurants in town, which came in damn useful in a country where a round of four small beers costs 26 quid. 30th July 2007 I've been at a loss for anything interesting to say for a while so I've had a look at my list of things to write a blog about and at the top is 'Giving Away Setlists'. This addition was probably prompted by being abused by someone from the audience at some point which, I feel, is a little harsh. But then I would, wouldn't I? Audience members probably just see some anonymous surly roadie who won't give them anything at the end of the gig because he loathes and detests the whole of humanity, but said audience members don't quite understand the situation from the other side. So, firstly here is an explanation of why you usually get ignored when you are screaming 'CAN I HAVE A SET LIST PLEASE?' at the top of your voice at the end of a gig- The first few minutes after a gig has finished, when the house lights come up, is probably the busiest time of the day for a backline technician. A gargantuan struggle is about to take place-think something along the lines of Godzilla Vs Destroyer or those dinosaurs in One Million Years BC- as, in front of the very eyes of what remains of the audience, the main departments involved in putting together a large gig i.e. sound, lighting, set and backline, are all going to try to get their gear out of the building as fast as possible. This is a crucial time for the backline crew because even though they were the last to put their gear in place on the stage (which is usually due to waiting forever for everyone else, most often the lighting department) they are given no time to safely make sure that various delicate items like FX boards, cabling looms and other accessories are out of the way before the lighting and sound crews descend on the stage. This situation is complicated by the presence of what is known as 'local crew' who are persons from whichever city you happen to be in who are brought in to supply the lifting/pushing/carrying manpower required for the whole thing to happen. Like the Uruk Hai from Lord Of The Rings (who they frequently physically resemble) these persons were bred for a single purpose, which in this case is to get the job finished before the pub shuts. They have no time for niceties and will usually immediately start pulling on cables, unplugging stuff, rolling cases around and blocking your way. Hence, the backline technician has his hands more than full with ensuring the safety of his gear to be pulling up setlists from the stage floor. I do sympathise with the person whose life may not be complete without a set list. I have a Metallica one on my wall and I also have Joe Strummer's handwritten lyrics for 'Police On My Back' (complete with his bootprint) that were rescued from a gig and now live safely in my house. I can also recall being the disappointed shouter at many gigs in the 1980s. But as I now know the reasons why I was ignored I can live with it. Anyway, at the risk of making a rod for my own back, there are ways of maximising your chances of getting the setlist of your choice. 1- Ask the security persons. They will still be in the pit at the end of the gig so if you ask them if they can get it for you, sometimes they will either do it anyway or ask the crew if it is OK. Those onstage will rarely ignore security and a quick nod is easy for them to do without jeopardising the safety of their gear. Your chosen security person can then do the tricky bit of trying to get the gaffa tape around the setlist up without tearing it. 2- Say something funny. I may be speaking personally here but if someone shouted out something amusing, I'd be a bit more inclined to try to find a spare few seconds to give them something. TRY to find a spare few seconds, I said... 3- At arena size gigs, if you have bought a programme then have a look to see if the names of all the roadcrew are printed somewhere inside. Then during the changeover (the bit between bands) try and work out who is doing what. At the end of the gig, try shouting their name instead of just 'oi, give us a setlist' most people will look up if they hear their name being called so if you manage to make eye contact then, half of the job is done. Having said that, I'm going to ignore anyone who shouts my name out now... 4- This one could be a bit hit and miss and will definitely be a miss if you do it at the wrong time. But, if you are at a smaller gig where you can get to speaking distance to any of the crew before the show- and that doesn't mean during the changeover or when they are obviously working- then if you are friendly and polite and ask nicely then you may get your setlist/drumstick/plectrum at the end if security haven't thrown you out. Sound crew seem to spend large chunks of the day sitting on their backsides staring at laptops, they will be your best bet to try. Good luck and be careful out there. 9th July 2007 This week I have been accused of the fact that the content of these here blogs has tended to be more than a little towards the negative. Now, to be honest, I'm as happy as the next man when I'm having a moan but I was slightly wounded by this accusation as I can recall waxing lyrical about subjects as diverse as BBC costume dramas, Dinosaur Jr and the Eurofighter Typhoon. I've also got a special page dedicated to slagging stuff off here. So, after having a quick count up I've actually found that of the blog entries that display a positive or negative content, the balance is almost 50/50 (10 scathing indictments to 9 enthusiastic endorsements) and the rest contain no bilious content whatsoever. Therefore less than a third of the total are complaints and I can walk down the courthouse steps a free man. This leaves me with a choice today though. We have just endured a couple of festivals and I can either up the negative content by pointing out the absolutely appalling stage management at the Oxegen festival in Ireland or I can make the pos/neg scores equal in some way. Luckily one of my current employers is on hand to help with the latter as I have been impressed beyond words by the amount of energy Jake Shears of Scissor Sisters has put into his performances this weekend. You aren't going to see any of Muse wallowing in the mud in a bath towel or dressing as a Tartan Ninja. I like to see a front man getting in people's faces and with the spirit of Iggy Pop and David Yow nodding approvingly in the wings, Jake Shears- part contortionist, part spaz dancer, part over enthusiastic gym teacher- pulled out the stops to entertain and as a result the scruffy buskers that made up most of the rest of the bill seemed even duller than ever. 21st June 2007 Cor...shredding became unfashionable for a long time didn't it? Now I'm old and grumpy and don't care for fashion any more, I find myself getting quite interested in Megadeth. I was already familiar with some of their work: I'd owned So Far So Good So What since about 1989, I saw the 'Clash of the Titans' Slayer/Megadeth gig at Wembley the same year and once, when I used them as a reference in an interview, I ended up having a fight with one of the blokes I was in a band with. So Megadeth were obviously pretty controversial to holier than thou/non-more-indie bands from North London. That alone is reason to like them if you ask me but there is more to it than that. First though, some background for those among us who haven't been reading Kerrang since issue one- Megadeth were formed sometime in the mid 1980s by former Metallica lead guitarist Dave Mustaine and were part of the original so-called 'Big Four of Thrash Metal' (Metallica/Slayer/Anthrax/Megadeth). All of these artists went on to great things but while the others achieved a level of respect outside the genre due to various reasons i.e. Metallica's worldwide success, Slayer's punk rock roots and uncompromising attitude and Anthrax's association with Public Enemy, Megadeth have never had this kind of kudos. Probably because they have never attempted to court 'alternative' credibility. Still, that didn't stop them from outselling all their contemporaries- except San Francisco's finest- to the tune of 15 million records (and counting). Apart from Metallica, the 1990's pretty much killed heavy metal for most of us. Which was fine, it needed putting out of its misery anyway. My renewed curiosity about Megadeth though, started a couple of years ago at the Download festival. They were on the bill and for some reason they were in the middle of the ill fated 'indie' day. After hours and hours of various shamblings by pasty faced youths it was great to see someone come on with sharkfin guitars and a drum kit in a cage. It was a pretty uncompromising performance and drew the biggest crowd of the day. I was impressed but apart from scrounging a Dave Mustaine signature plectrum that day, it took me a year to do anything about it. While taking advantage of the Aussie dollar/UK pound exchange rate, I bought a load of CDs while in Sydney and Megadeth's Greatest Hits was one of them (limited edition with live DVD included of course). I was already familiar with the song In My Hour Of Need from way back in 1989 but all the rest was new to me. So I was pleasantly surprised to find that the band has never really deviated from being- as one of their old t-shirts said- 'The State Of The Art Speed Metal Band' and they have carried on making some pretty enthralling rock music while I had been looking the other way, put off by the trad metal façade. For example, the opening track of this compilation is Holy Wars (The Punishment Due) which seems to have three movements in three different tempos and features some fearsome right hand rhythm action. The Mechanix is a controversial song as it is a hangover from Dave Mustaine's days as a member of Metallica and is almost exactly the same as Metallica's Four Horsemen. Except it is at least twice as fast (Mustaine co-authored the song and claims the right to use it to his own ends). Also included is A Tout Le Monde which is a song that gained infamy in 2006 when the perpetrator of the Dawson College shootings claimed that the song convinced him to perform the attack (a new version of this track is included on the current Megadeth album and IMHO etc etc is remarkably superior to the original. MTV banned the video too, which is usually a good sign). The best track on Greatest Hits though, is Hanger 18. Full on from the word go, the arrangement constantly shifts and is probably the best showcase of the interplay between Mustaine and fellow guitarist Marty Friedman. Highlights include the great twin guitar vibrato in the verse, like some kind of jacked up, caffeine mainline Thin Lizzy, a thunderous climax that manages to take up half of the song without releasing any of the tension and all of the ELEVEN guitar solos. Even if you don't particularly like guitar solos you have to tip your hat to the amount of self belief required to not only record a song that contains eleven guitar solos, but to then have the balls to release it as a single. It's not all good news with Megadeth though. I could do without the clichéd sci fi heavy metal artwork for a start and I can't admit to liking everything the band has done (big deal. I don't like everything Neil Young has recorded either but it still doesn't stop me from being a massive fan). Looking back over the back catalogue, the hugely popular Sweating Bullets doesn't really do it for me and I can also leave behind the band's versions of Alice Cooper's No More Mr Nice Guy and the Sex Pistol's Anarchy In The UK (which is the only dull spot on the aforementioned So Far So Good So What album which also contains the fantastically titled Into The Lungs Of Hell and the awesome PRMC baiting Hook in Mouth, another personal favourite). I also admit that it can be an acquired taste, much of the band's output is not an easy listen and one has to sometimes work to get inside the frequently dense arrangements but, of course, that makes it all the more rewarding when the ear finally tunes in. On a last note, there are far too few artists of Dave Mustaine's ilk tackling social and political issues and he should be commended for his commitment to addressing these subjects. As 'emotional hardcore' seems to be the current way that men with distorted guitars have of showing their anger, so Megadeth's brand of socially aware, old skool speed metal is more vital than ever. 5th June 2007 Christ, ebay is fast becoming a waste of time. When I first registered to use it, back in the early 00s, it was a nice place for intelligent people to buy and sell. Transactions were carried out via email and therefore people were polite and courteous. Now that Ebay have 'made the buying and selling process easier' and have introduced a 'user friendly interface' - i.e. no brain required, click here- as well as the checkout facility, things have gone downhill. Any fool with no concept of spelling, punctuation or grammar can now hassle you. Usually because they haven't read the item description but sometimes, even though the answer is contained within the description, because they have but still want to ask the question anyway. For example, I recently sold some dummy amp heads. These look like real amp heads but they contain no electronic components inside, they are merely for show onstage. To make sure there was no confusion, I included the following in the item description- PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE BIDDING- This is not a fully functioning Mesa Boogie amp head. There are no valves, components or any other circuitry inside the chassis. It is not broken, in need of repair etc. It does not make a noise of any kind, no matter what you plug into it. It is merely a prop that was used onstage to make the guitar stacks 'look right' hence the power light comes on but that is all it does. Please do not bid, win the auction and claim that you didn't know it was not a working amp head. Thank you. Pretty clear I thought, but this was the first question I got from a potential buyer. Note the lack of a hello or hi or even a thanks at the end- the amp is damage? what problems has this amp? can be mended, repair? Even though every fibre of my body was screaming 'READ THE FUCKING ITEM DESCRIPTION YOU MORON' I merely encouraged him, in a nice, helpful and polite way, to re-read it to familiarize himself a little more with what he was thinking of buying. There were two of these dummy heads for sale, one was in slightly worse condition than the other. I mentioned this fact in the item description and explained that I had not put up a multiple item auction as, due to the condition of one, they were not identical. It didn't stop this person though- you are introduce two similar auctions for this amp... but the question is. this a different amp, or it is an error, and you sell only one amp? Oh dear. Finally, for these items, there was this- hi there.i am determined to get one of the amps.what price do you think yourl get? could i have a rough estimate so i know how much cash i need to raise.thanks. So now I am apparently clairvoyant too and can let him know the result of the auction in advance. At least he said hello and thank you. It took a few weeks and a long lie down before I felt well enough to put up a couple of keyboards for sale, these were quite valuable and I had none of the original protective packaging left and I was too busy to fit in a day of deliveries so I recommended that they were collected in person. This would also give the buyer a chance to try them out and satisfy themselves that they were in full working condition. Once again, one of them was in slightly worse external condition than the other so I put them in separate auctions. It wasn't long before this arrived- Hello,My name is XXXXXX. I am interested in your item. The problem is that I am a little confused because I've seen another item exactly like yours. Please take a look (inserts link to item description) Please let me know your last price. Let's skip the 'please read the item description' part of my reply and move onto this last price business. What I think this poor soul means is a cash price. There is a lot of this around, buyers send you a message asking what price you would take for the item. Surely it is implicit in the fact that you have put it up for auction that you want to see how much you can get for it. If I had wanted to put a figure on it myself I would have put a classified ad up. OK, so at the end of an auction the final price may be less than what a cash buyer was willing to pay but that is my tough luck- it was my item and my choice to gamble on putting it up for auction. That doesn't stop people from getting very annoyed when you turn a cash offer down though. I recently put up for auction an item belonging to a well known band and was happily not attracting any bids when I received this message (all names have been changed to protect the unfortunate)- 27/05/07 From: POTENTIAL BUYER (62) To: XSELECTRONICS hi, what is your phone number as I have a few questions and I'm not a big fan of bouncing emails back and forth, if you prefer to call me, my number is 07888 XXXXXX and my name is David I was working so I never got the message at the time but that is obviously not good enough for some people as during the meanwhile- 27/05/07 From: POTENTIAL BUYER (62) To: XSELECTRONICS Hi again, I emailed you yesterday regarding this incredible item, you haven't replied yet and I really need to speak to you on the phone with my cash offer! what is your phone number? my number is 07888 XXXXXX Fuck that. I've got an auction to run- 29/05/07 From: XSELECTRONICS To: POTENTIAL BUYER (62) Sorry, but this sale is on an auction basis and I would prefer to let the auction run its course. If you have an amount you would like to pay, then please feel free to bid that amount. Thanks for getting in touch. Blimey, some people don't like to be told no, do they?- 29/05/07 From: POTENTIAL BUYER (62) To: XSELECTRONICS Unfortunately if I can't do a deal before the weekend, I have another item I will be buying and will no longer have the funds for this as well so I was giving you the opportunity to actually sell this item to a genuine cash buyer while I have funds and not wait another 7 days only to have some psycho fan ruin this auction in the last 30 seconds! Due the increased number of dead beat bidders I tend to find people prefer to talk with a real person over the phone and not turn away the genuine buyers, there are only a few of us about it would seem and the rest of ebayers just think this is all a fun game where they can have anything they ever wanted, or at least win the auctions for these items and then when they come back down to earth and the buzz is over, they will happily walk away guilt free and not be penalised by ebay in any way and all you have left for your troubles is leaving them bad feedback only to have them ruin yours by leaving it for you and ebay lets them!!! GOOD LUCK!!! Oh dear. I'm sorry that he feels that way but we did want a block of flats and not an abbatoir...Anyway, fast forward to June 5th and obviously no-one wanted to buy the item anyway because it eventually went to a lone bidder for a hundred quid. I was rudely awakened the next morning by my ex-partner ringing my mobile to tell me that some weirdo had telephoned her house at 10.15PM ranting about ebay and that he wanted to speak to me...she gave him short shift, as you would do when your kids had just been woken up by the phone. 05/06/07 From: AUCTION WINNER (7) To: XSELECTRONICS Hi, I just won this item and tried to phone you on 01XXX XXXXXX and the female there wouldn't pass on your number to me but said that she would give you mine. Can you please contact me tonight regardless of how late as I'm up all hours anyway and would like to collect tomorrow if possible! My numbers are 07886 XXXXX or 01761 XXXXXX Cheeky bastard. And where the fuck did he get that phone number from? Turns out Ebay will give your personal contact details out...all someone has to do is ask them! 06/06/07 From: XSELECTRONICS To: AUCTION WINNER (7) Firstly, thank you for pissing off my ex-partner by disturbing her after she had just got the kids to bed. I'll look forward to having that held against me when I need to speak to her again. Secondly, it will not be possible to pick up the item today, for three reasons. 1- You have not paid for the item yet 2- I will have to get some times and dates from the people who are storing it when it is convenient for them to let you in. 3- I notice that you ignored the instructions in the item description to get in touch before bidding if you have a feedback rating of less than 10. I therefore consider your bid to be null and void but have left the decision to let the sale go through or not with the band's management. I will be in touch with further info if it is appropriate. I got a notice from Paypal a couple of hours later that the item had been paid for and not long after that I got a reply...and it started of well but soon goes down hill. 06/06/07 From: Mike Adams(AUCTIONWINNER@XXXXXX.co.uk) To: XSELECTRONICS Firstly, may I apologise for phoning your ex-partner, I obviously wasn't to know that you no longer reside at that address, as you haven't updated Ebay with this information so until you do, that is your official phone number and address with regards Ebay.To answer your questions:1. I have paid for the item through Paypal and was only trying to get in touch with you to see if you preferred cash on collection.2. I am very flexible on collection date/time and can easily fit in with your guys who are storing it, whatever is convenient for them just give me their phone number/address and I'll sort it out. 3. My bid is most definitely NOT 'null and void' as you did not delete my bid (You only stipulate "Bidders with a feedback score of less than 10, please get in touch before bidding or bids will be deleted without warning" You neglected to mention the sale would be 'null and void' if such a bid were to not be deleted by yourself and become the winner!) I also do have a feedback of over 10 and lastly we did contact you twice right in the beginning from my business partners Ebay account when I first saw this item. The username was POTENTIAL BUYER and our message read "Hi again, I emailed you yesterday regarding this incredible item, you haven't replied yet and I really need to speak to you on the phone with my cash offer! what is your phone number' my number is 07888 XXXXXX" This is my other phone number and you can phone me on it right away if you don't believe me! I will also be emailing you from that POTENTIAL BUYER Ebay account, just to give you further verification that it was from myself you had contact.You not only replied telling us saying "Sorry, but this sale is on an auction basis and I would prefer to let the auction run its course. If you have an amount you would like to pay, then please feel free to bid that amount. Thanks for getting in touch." you went and published my private phone number on your listing! As you did not stipulate in your listing that contact must be made EXCLUSIVELY through the Ebay account I would be bidding under, your terms have been fully met!I have therefore, done absolutely nothing to contravene your terms and conditions in any way, thus renderring this sale a fully legally binding contract that both parties must adhere to, as you will obviously be aware with your impecable 7year Ebay account and 100% feedback! You obviously run your account by the book, so kindly forward me your correct phone number so we can complete this transaction, without the involvement of third parties such as Ebay, the Courts or the even the Newspapers! I needn't remind you that you are representing the band's management and therefore the band themselves! Failure to go through with this deal would be a VERY costly mistake! You have a legal obligation to complete this transaction and I will need the phone number of the persons currently storing my crate. Please respond within 24 hours, or else I will have to start procedings to claim what is now legally mine! I am a very genuine Ebayer and a very decent bloke and frankly I was completely shocked by you unwarranted tone in your email to me. I just want to get this sorted and I'm sure we can laugh about this after! OK, I know that I shouldn't have done it but I really couldn't resist. Perhaps I should have been a school teacher- 06/06/07 From: XSELECTRONICS To: Mike Adams (AUCTIONWINNER@XXXXXX.co.uk) Dear Mike/David, Thank you for your prompt reply. Before we move onto to collection details it may be beneficial to clear up the following points- > I obviously wasn't to know that you no longer reside at that address, as you haven't updated Ebay with this >information so until you do, that is your official phone number and address with regards Ebay. That is true, I agree. But that information has to be requested from Ebay, it does not form part of the seller profile. I find it extremely discourteous that this information should be used without thought. Just because you are the winner of the auction does not give you the right to intrude on peoples lives. When I trade on Ebay, I respect the fact that persons may not be in a position to receive messages or act on the result of an auction immediately. That is why I use Ebay's message service or email. > I have paid for the item through Paypal and was only trying to get in touch with you to see if you preferred >cash on collection. But you told me in your email of 5th June, that you were calling to try to arrange a collection today. My preferred methods of payment were stated in the auction- paypal or cheque- the accountants prefer some kind of paper trail that they can refer to, hence cash on collection was not stated as an option. > My bid is most definitely NOT 'null and void' as you did not delete my bid A bid that was entered at 20.14.17PM, four seconds before the end of the auction? How would that be possible? > You only stipulate "Bidders with a feedback score of less than 10, please get in touch before bidding or bids >will be deleted without warning" You neglected to mention the sale would be 'null and void' if such a bid were >to not be deleted by yourself and become the winner! Perhaps 7 years on Ebay and the existence of Sniper sites should have alerted me to the fact that people would get round that by waiting until the final seconds before bidding. I assumed people had the same sense of fair play that I have. Still, thank you for the tip, I will make sure that disclaimer is included on all future auctions. > I also do have a feedback of over 10 and lastly we did contact you twice right in the beginning from my >business partners Ebay account when I first saw this item. The username was POTENTIAL BUYER. Yes, I had a look at your feedback rating. Four of which were negative from within the last six months. But if you chose to contact me under one name and then bid under another, how am I to know? >you went and published my private phone number on your listing! Yes, for that I do apologise. Unfortunately though, there is no way to edit the question when you reply otherwise I would have deleted the number. > As you did not stipulate in your listing that contact must be made EXCLUSIVELY through the Ebay account I >would be bidding under, your terms have been fully met! I'm afraid that I do not see the relevance of this, nor do I understand the point you are trying to make here. > I have therefore, done absolutely nothing to contravene your terms and conditions in any way, thus >renderring this sale a fully legally binding contract that both parties must >adhere to, as you will obviously be >aware with your impecable 7year Ebay account and 100% feedback of 63! Unfortunately none of the sales on Ebay are legally binding. I personally believe that they should be- I have suffered a number of ruined transactions- but the international nature of the thing will probably make this difficult to implement. As you pointed out in your message of 29th of May, buyers " will happily walk away guilt free and not be penalised by ebay in any way and all you have left for your troubles is leaving them bad feedback only to have them ruin yours by leaving it for you and ebay lets them" If a legal structure were in place, I would think that one of the first laws to be enforced would be to clamp down on persons who attempt to disrupt auctions by offering cash prices for items while the auction is still ongoing. Anyway, your item can be collected from- A Trucking/Storage Company Nr London Your contact there is Edward Miles. He can be reached on 0208 XXX XXXX He is expecting to hear from you to arrange a collection. He did ask me to mention that they are heavily involved in the upcoming George Michael tour and a large number of their trucks are expected to return over the next few days to prepare for this, so access may be difficult at certain times. I will leave it to you to liase with Edward on this. Enjoy your item and congratulations on grabbing a bargain. Regards XSELECTRONICS Its not good enough though, he's still going on about it- 06/06/07 From: POTENTIAL BUYER(63) To: XSELECTRONICS Hi again, I have won this item under Ebay username AUCTION WINNER and I am replying to your email just to prove that I did contact you right in the beginning of the auction. I have paid for the item as well now, so all I need is the address and phone number for collection my phone numbers are 07888 XXXXXX and 07886 XXXXXX 06/06/07 From: AUCTION WINNER (7) To: XSELECTRONICS Hi again, I have emailed you at xselectronics.co.uk and paid for this item as well now, so all I need is the address and phone number for collection my phone numbers are 07888 XXXXXX and 07886 XXXXXX Obviously a spoilt child who is used to having everything his own way. Note how he denegrates other ebay members for ruining auctions by not paying but seems oblivious to the fact that he is doing the same by offering to buy before the end date. He's right on some points though, there are people on Ebay who seem to revel in winning auctions but not completing, especially psycho fans of certain famous bands. Is it just coincidence that Ebay have recently introduced the 'Second Chance Offer' which is a means of offering an item to bidders who did not win? You are required to register a credit card to sell on Ebay, I suggest that it may be a good idea to extend this to buyers too. When you enter your maximum bid price this is pre authorized from the card but is only debited if you should win. Anyway, back to thick people. Remember the keyboards that were strictly collection in person only?- Hi, I am bidding from XXXXXXXX. Would you be able to pack and post via Royal Mail parcel post if I win? Has anyone started the website www.stupidebayquestions.com yet? 25th May 2007 There is currently a series showing on the BBC called The Seven Ages of Rock. The episode shown last night was dedicated solely to Jimi Hendrix. Quite right too, an artist of such talent and influence as Hendrix deserves a detailed examination of his career. Unfortunately this was not it. Here is Hendrix's life as presented on this programme- 1.Born 2.Joined the army 3.Played the chitlin'circuit & New York 4.Went to London 5.Played Monterey 6.Released Electric Ladyland 7.Played Woodstock 8.Played Isle of Wight 9.Died Admittedly all the main facts are there and as an overview for the uninitiated this could perhaps suffice but a screening time of 11.45PM seems to suggest that it was not aimed at Mr & Mrs Punter. Furthermore, the inclusion of Charles Shaar Murray as one of the main interviewees would seem to indicate that the makers of this programme were aiming for something a little more in depth than the main facts. Charles Shaar Murray is the author of Crosstown Traffic, which is not only the best book on Hendrix but is arguably one of the best books ever written on the subject of music and popular culture. Less than half of the book ends up being directly about Hendrix himself but by placing Him and His music in the proper sociological and cultural context, Murray manages to say more about Him then a direct examination of His work ever would. So, the inclusion of CSM lead me to believe that this programme would be taking a similar approach. Not only was I disappointed at the lack of Murrayist analysis but also at some of the other omissions. For instance, the viewer could be forgiven for thinking that Hendrix played solo during his time in England as no mention was made of the other members of the Experience. Similarly, the Band of Gypsies were ignored too. And if Are You Experienced and Axis, Bold As Love were not worth mentioning, you can forget Rainbow Bridge et al. Also falling off the radar were more difficult subjects, such as Hendrix's disillusionment with the power trio format and his growing love of jazz (there were lengthy sessions with Miles Davies, recordings of which exist but have yet to see the light of day) as well as the admittedly tricky subject of Hendrix in relation to the emerging black power movement in the late 1960s. But, to be fair, I wouldn't have touched that one with a barge pole even with someone as intelligent and perceptive as CSM holding my hand. I would also like to have seen, during the section of the programme devoted to the Electric Ladyland album, some mention of the fact that Voodoo Chile (Slight Return) has become the perfect example of expression and soulful guitar playing. It has cast its spell over two generations of musicians, so much so that a cover version is not to be attempted by the faint hearted. Stevie Ray Vaughan's lifelong attempts to nail it has come the closest to succeeding but one can imagine that even he lay in bed racked in agony over the slightest fault in its performance. With that benchmark seemingly unattainable, then in a perverse way perhaps Stevie's death at an early age was his greatest tribute to Hendrix of all. 30th April 2007 Monday afternoon and I am safely nestled back in the bosom of the village after four weeks trolling round Johnny Europe. There are cobwebs in my kitchen, sootfall from the chimney on the living room carpet and no hot water. There is also a pile of vulgar demands for money on the doormat. I can't understand how I use that much electricity, I've only spent three weeks here in the last four months. Bastards. Anyway, local gossip is that the village butcher is retiring after 46 years and not only have I missed the switching on of the wind turbine up at the pub but the 'bring a friend' afternoon at the WI too. Its not all bad news though, the nice people at Amazon have sent me new albums from Black Rebel Motorcycle Club and Dinosaur Jr, so that should make the unpacking and endless rounds of clothes washing a little easier. Got plenty to be getting on with though, Ebay sessions, flightcase and FX board designs as well as putting up a magic eye so I can watch Discovery channel from the safety of my bed as well as the sofa. Need to buy a car too, had an unfortunate interface with another vehicle in the last one...if anyone can sell me a black Subaru Impreza with a big shopping trolley handle on the back for next to nowt, with free insurance chucked in, please get in touch. 15th April 2007 Here's a thing. In Germany, the St Johns Ambulance are known as Maltesers. 9th April 2007 Ischgl is a small town, high in the Austrian mountains. When I saw the name in the itinerary I never gave it a second thought but, at the end of last night's load out, I was given a day sheet which contained the following words- 'Truck pulls into the service bay of the cable car, the gear goes up in the lift and is loaded onto the cargo gondolas and taken to the top of the mountain. At the top station it is transferred by Snowcats with cargo buckets to the rear of the stage' Clearly this is going to be quite an unusual gig. April means the end of ski season (apparently) and to mark this occasion the local tourist board annually promote a series of huge gigs/parties at the top of the slopes and this year Scissor Sisters (who I am currently on tour with) are one of the main attractions. The gig takes place in a hollow in the mountains, known as the Idalp. It is at an altitude of 2320 metres above sea level and is a 20 minute cable car ride from the town. It is also in the open air but despite the snow still being thick on the ground it is not too cold thanks to the brilliant spring sunshine, although that sun had not yet found the energy to fully clamber over the surrounding peaks when we arrived onsite at 8AM this morning. The view from the stage is spectacular, mountain peaks on all four sides with some of the rock formations beginning to show as this years thaw starts to take hold. Due to the ski runs closing at 5PM, the event was scheduled for lunch time so load in commenced with condensation on the breath and flightcase handles and catches still cold to the touch. Obviously these low temperatures bring tuning problems into play- the metal of the strings contract sending everything sharp but after leaving the instruments in the safety of their cases until the last possible moment, it is not so cold that the wood could react badly. Constant tuning is the only way to help everything settle down but there is a mild panic when I return from a late breakfast to find industrial strength outdoor heaters have been brought in to warm up the stage area, one of which is firing straight into guitar world. At 1PM- stage time- 5000 skiers in various lurid outfits have assembled and despite one or two good natured snowball attacks, things go without a hitch. Everything is back down and in the truck by 4.30 and then a fondue beckons. This cheese feast is punctuated by explosions from the mountains- the local authorities deliberately cause small avalanches in order to avoid the build up of snow that causes the big, fatal ones. Two of our crew bring disgrace to us all by not being out of the danger area in time and have to be evacuated by toboggan. VIP status is obviously not enough to save you from man's attempts to control nature. 14th March 2007 So. Discovery Wings has now become Discovery Turbo and there is now nowhere to go for wall to wall documentaries about British V Bombers and full colour footage of red hot carrier flightdeck action. Its been on the cards for a while I suppose, I began to suspect something was up when programmes about powerboats and the channel tunnel started turning up when it was still called Wings. Its not going to be long before its turned into some crap 'lifestyle' channel like Men & Motors. The precedent for this has already been set- Bravo used to be a cool retro channel showing original Avengers, Persuaders, Sweeny etc and look at it now: a rubbish moving picture version of FHM magazine. I had hoped that the satellite channels would become the refuge for minority interest programming now that Channel 4 has gone downmarket and while there is still plenty of sharks, nazis, oil rigs, custom bike builders and repeats of Top Gear to be getting on with, I feel that the re-branding of Discovery Wings is another step down the dangerous road of submitting to so called 'market forces'. As anyone who has small children can tell you, one of the worst things you can do is always give people what they demand. 9th March 2007 With the noise of the A11 still ringing in my ears, I arrived back at the studio to find, to my shock and horror, a bike spanner- A BIKE SPANNER!- on the workbench. I know for certain that there are only two cycles on the premises, both of which are out in the garage. One is a Raleigh Shopper (the chaps are all the wrong shape to use that) and the other has had a puncture for about ten months. I can also count out the ridiculous theory that someone has brought a bike all the way into the studio just to raise the handlebars. Therefore, while I have been on my travels, someone (almost certainly a muso) has been trying to crack a nut with a hammer and has been using a bike spanner to work on guitars...one of this band will never live to tour this album, because I'm going to gut them like a pig and bury them under the patio. Actually, now I come to think of it, there is no need because a much more subtle and cruel punishment is already underway, as everyone seems to be on a detox diet. This is quite a surprise coming so soon after the non-smoking thing. I have been kind of joining in as the special soup is delicious but I have to draw the line at denying myself basic human rights, my life would fall apart without toast and strong tea in the morning. Anyway, moving on, it is time to Bring The Noize as guitar tracking starts this week. The Diezel VH4 is back in action as are the old faithful Marshall Plexis. The new Mesa Stiletto Ace will be making a large contribution to proceedings too, I think. Most of the last few days have been spent experimenting